Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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