Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Damn victory sex feels great
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
