I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
