im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
