I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
