Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
