did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
