what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize