dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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