She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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