A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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