I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
