i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
