He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
