After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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