I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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