dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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