What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
