a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
