I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have peed in a lot of sinks
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
