I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
