Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
