We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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