What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
