I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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