Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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