I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
