Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
