im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
