Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
