the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
