Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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