Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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