Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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