he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
