She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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