Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
