i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
