Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I look better un-naked...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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