oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
