Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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