Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
