You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My cat gives me a boner
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
