i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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