hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
