you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
