im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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