So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
