what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
