just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize