She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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