dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
