why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
