just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
