Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
