Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
