Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
