i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So apparently I’m into choking now
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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