I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
