the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize