I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
