it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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